i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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