THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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