I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
