Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
