omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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