She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
