A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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