I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
