Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize