I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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