taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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