Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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