Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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