i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
