He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
