did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
