Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
