Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
