I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
