Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh god it's open bar.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
