but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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