Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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