Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
