So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
