he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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