I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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