If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
