Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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