well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
