i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
