dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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