So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
