Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
