I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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