I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize