The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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