Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
