it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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