I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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