if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
