Dual....:-)
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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