I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
