Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
