The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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