I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
