when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
