so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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