you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
