# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
