I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
