Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize