Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
