I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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