Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
