I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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