normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
