my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
