he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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