i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
