I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
