All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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