I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
