Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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