proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
