i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
